Yet another cynical email (Feb 11, 2008)

Today's list of grievances is born of a trip I made to the Chandler mall
yesterday.

Fake hair kiosks: Why would anyone want a disgusting wad of plastic hair clamped into her own?? Furthermore, why is it that every time I go to the mall, there are actually people AT the kiosk, checking out the various
rodent-like cranial attachments? Creepy, tacky, and just plain stupid.

Playgrounds inside the mall: Really? There are so many things wrong with this concept. If you don't want to drag your screaming child around while you shop, don't take him/her with you!! They're called baby sitters! Or your kid's friend's house! Or just go to the friggin mall when he/she is at school! And if you're going to make the brat's father sit and watch the stupid kid climb around for hours while you look for yet another pair of overpriced shoes (or fake hair-see above), why didn't the two just stay home since they're not participating in unnecessary purchasing, and have a nice relaxing day playing in the quiet yard or watching TV? And aside from all that, why is the playground devoid of any kind of padding? This thing is a giant pit of garishly colored rock-hard plastic trees and toadstools. No kind of cushioning anywhere...it's like the mall is just
begging for a big vat full of broken and battered children...as if they weren't screaming enough already...speaking of which...why-oh-why is the playground located DIRECTLY outside Barnes and Noble??? I thought bookstores were generally quiet places where people can relax and read and be free from major distractions like, oh i don't know, the bone-rattling, eardrum-piercing din of 600 kids juuust outside the door. Madness.

Abercrombie and Fitch and Hollister: So, do they actually sell clothes at these places? As far as I can tell, based on the posters, mannequins, and emanating odors, they sell primarily well-abbed male torsos and very strong cologne. No thanks, I'll pass. If my eyes could roll out of my head, they'd be in my lap right now.

Pretzel stands: What is this fascination with huge soft pretzels? And why must there be so many in one facility? I realized there are 3, I repeat, 3 pretzel stands in the Chandler mall. Is that really necessary? Are people that highly selective that they can't buy a pretzel from Auntie Annie's (those are INFERIOR twisted knots of bland dough!) and have to go to Wetzel's Pretzels to satisfy their bizarre craving instead?? Or is it just that once they have a pretzel from the lower level, by the time they've wound their way up and around to the second level several hours later, they're hungry and craving another pretzel...or maybe 2. And for dessert, they can head over to Mrs. Fields for dessert!

Sales people at cell phone kiosks: Just leave me alone, please.

(Teeny-tiny) sales people (cheerleaders) in Victoria's Secret: LEAVE ME ALONE.

Mall maps: Those things are actually really helpful...when you can FIND them!! When I know where I'm going, I see those darn things everywhere, but when I'm truly lost and need a little guidance, they're nowhere to be found! Then I get all excited when I see one over by the escalators, but to my dismay, instead of finding a much needed floorplan within that freestanding display case, i find nothing but a poster for Cartier on one side and a poster for The Cheesecake factory on the other! I don't want a diamond bracelet, and while a slice of cheesecake would be nice, it's not going to help me find Hallmark! Damn you!

And finally- Coldstone Creamery: This ice cream is terribly overpriced and oh so bad for you, but it calls to me every time I go shopping, which fortunately is not often. I try my hardest to resist, but yesterday I was not strong. You won this time, Birthday Cake Remix...you won.