Email to a friend about visiting him in Seattle

I do possess the ability to read, thus, I did not miss the invite included in your card. The rub, however, is that I have neither the time nor the money to justify a visit up to Washington at this point...I know saying that is going to draw a lot of flak from you, but I can't help but notice the fact you never consider visiting Arizona...interesting, is it not? You seem content to hassle me about taking time out of my schedule and money out of my account to drag my ass up to Seattle, yet you've never offered to do the same in favor of heading south. Short of threatening to send a Third World Baby as proxy, you appear to be glued to your hippie/yuppie home. I think you're afraid of the desert. Your poor composed-of-70%-water body won't be able to adjust to and handle the severe dryness we experience down here in the Phoenix area. At night, when your brain might wander toward the possibility of a visit in my neck of the woods, you dream of sweet-smelling orange trees blossoming in the spring, brilliantly clear blue skies, and silhouettes of palm trees stretching above the twilight purple horizon...but the dream suddenly transforms into a nightmare. You step off the plane and your shoes instantly begin melting off your feet- fusing to the tarmac. You try to run to shelter, but the sun blinds you and you trip over an astonishingly large Gila Monster. You lay helpless on the pavement, your throat dry and swollen, aching for the caress of cool, sweet, water, but none is to be had...you're in the desert. The noonday sun begins to take it's toll, draining your exposed body of precious moisture. You feel the H2O molecules being sucked from your flesh. You try to scream, to yell for help, but alas, your vocal chords have dried up...they now resemble the blades of grass comprising an unwatered arizona lawn in July and produce nothing more than a pathetic screech somewhat akin to that of a stray cat outside my apartment. The process takes only minutes. Your body, now flattened and wrinkled like a human raisin, turns to dust in the arid breeze and joins the parched land in Arizona. You came to visit, but stayed forever. Terrified, you violently tear yourself from slumber and vow never to venture to that awful place. You much prefer the comfort of a land where water is plentiful and the temperatures fair. Hence your persistence to lure me northward.