I love the Olympics!! Not just because I get to see the world's most incredible athletes compete in thrilling races, games, matches, meets, etc., but also because the Olympic theme music was used as the theme music in the short lived 1993 series "The Adventures of Brisco County Jr." A couple of years ago, I bought the series for my friend for his birthday. As we watched the first few episodes, I couldn't help but notice the music sounded strangely familiar, but I eventually concluded that I just remembered it from when I watched the show as it originally aired 15 years ago. That conclusion was debunked a week ago when that same friend pointed out that the Olympic theme music is the same music on Brisco. I became unnecessarily elated at this revelation, but anything involving Bruce Campbell inspires uncontrollable joy within me. So this fusion of campy, early nineties, western/sci-fi TV series and epic, emotional, mind-blowing olympic sports makes for one awesome televised treat.

Saw...it already

I was at the movies recently, because that's where I tend to spend a lot of my time, and I saw a preview that upset me. It upset me so much, in fact, that I groaned, too audibly it would seem, causing the people in my immediate vicinity to whip their heads around and gaze in my direction for a few excruciating seconds before returning their attention to the rest of the trailers. This preview, as you might have guessed (although I doubt you guessed because I haven't revealed any real hints as to what this movie was) was for Saw V. For those of you who might be sadly unlearned in the understanding of Roman Numerals, this is the FIFTH installment of the Saw series. FIVE. Cinco. Funf. Cinq. Cinque. Half of ten. Hold up your hand (or one of your feet) and count the digits...that's how many Saw movies are in existence at this moment. I was hoping, desperately, that Hollywood's little obsession with torture porn flicks had come to an end with the absolute and well deserved FAILURE of the most recent Midnight Meat Train (I think it was in theaters for approximately 12.7 seconds), but no such luck. I'm afraid we are doomed to see Saw (see-saw....heehee) trailers for the rest of time. Who knows? These movies might even surpass Star Wars for the "ENOUGH ALREADY!!" award. Take THAT George Lucas.

The Today Show Tragedy

I think I'm a masochist. Every morning, like some pathetic brainwashed slave, I wander to the kitchen, settle down with my bowl of cereal, and, unthinking, power up the ol' boob tube and set the channel to the Today Show. And every morning, without fail, I bitch about it's stupidity. So why do I continue to torture myself in this way? I guess it's like watching a train-wreck or rubbernecking at a car accident on the freeway- Meredith is the decapitated child in the passenger seat, Anne is the teenager thrown from the car from lack of a seatbelt, Al is the spectator who continually gets in everyone's way, Kathy Lee is the stupid, babbling drunk driver who caused it all but unfairly walked away from everything unscathed, and Matt is the Jaws of Life: cold, dry, mechanical- struggling in futility to salvage this God awful disaster, all the while resigned to the fact there's no saving this pile of twisted, smoldering, carnage-plastered shit.
Seriously Matt...you could do so much better.
As far as I can tell, the Today Show no longer reports the news. I can sit and watch 4 hours (yes, 4 miserable hours) of this show and come away from it LESS informed about world issues than I was before. Watching the today show is like having your IQ slowly sucked away and replaced with facts pertaining to spring fashion, Brangelina's myriad children, how to properly disguise those pesky and unsightly circles under your eyes, and canine geneology..."Well, I'm not really sure what's happening with the war and the election and all, but what's really important is that I now know my little Baxter is not, in fact, part Poodle. Thank YOU, Today Show!"
And what's the deal with all these obesity stories?!? We interrupt this program with breaking news...AMERICANS ARE FAT AND GETTING FATTER BY THE MINUTE!! NO. REALLY? I had no idea. Seriously. Every other day, the today show breaks out the obesity stock footage and we, the unfortunate viewers, are forced to watch those gargantuan ever-expanding bellies jiggle across the gargantuan ever-expanding HD screens and hear about how this has become an epidemic in this country. It saddens me deeply that this qualifies as news anymore. I don't need the today show to tell me that. All I have to do is, you know, go to the mall...or the DMV...or look out the window. And what about those poor people to whom those portly paunches belong? One morning they could be in their kitchen watching their favorite morning "news" show, scrambling up a few dozen eggs topped with bacon, cheese, hash browns, heart palpitations, sleep apnea, and low self esteem...then WHAM. It hits them..."my, that flabby torso looks awfully familiar...and I'm pretty sure that stretched-to-capacity wolf-print T-shirt is mine! I'd recognize that grease stain anywhere. Damn...I'm so fat I've been added to the fat film hall of fame." That's pretty much the last thing these people need, isn't it? To have their bodies showcased as a warning to the rest of the only slightly overweight citizens of this nation. Pile on another helping of low self-esteem there, buddy...it's gonna be a long day. But be sure to keep watching! Because there's a segment during the 16th hour that teaches you how to cook healthy, nutritious meals without feeling deprived! You like turkey burgers and steamed veggies, right? Oh, and the 29th hour has a segment that will help you tone those triceps with soup cans! Can you believe it?? Just try not to eat the soup halfway through the exercise.
When you're not rolling your eyes at the tripe being reported, you're rolling your eyes at the people doing the reporting. If I were to write a letter to each anchor on the show, here's what I would say:
Dear Meredith, stop trying to be funny. See that tele-prompter? Read it, and only it. No one finds your banter and attempts at teasing to be particularly humorous, so please make an effort to end this. I do, however understand that your time spent on the View has warped your personality, making you more irritating and insufferable than you might be otherwise, so I'll blame Barbara Walters for some of your shortcomings...some.
Dear Anne, I think I might like you if I met you out in the real world, but I have to say, you really piss me off when you're on camera. Now pay attention to what I'm about to tell you. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE NOMINATED FOR AN OSCAR NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU EMOTE!! When reporting a serious or sad story, pretty much all you need to do is suppress a smile. Stop treating every sad story like it's a personal tragedy. You're trying so damn hard to fill your interviews and reports with swells of sadness and squints of emotional pain that it comes off as phony and obnoxious...I swear to God I'll cry if I have to watch one more heartfelt story in which you interview a kid with Asperger's who made the High School basketball team...and MY tears will be REAL.
Dear Al, Get some help. I can literally see the sanity leaking out of your ears. Take some tranquilizers and a vacation...forever.
Dear Matt, Dude, I really like you. You're genuine, witty, sarcastic, intelligent, and best of all, you hate Meredith too! I'll never forget the utter sweetness of Meredith's first day and the famous hand-holding incident. The way you yanked your hand from hers when she tried to grasp it...Beautiful. I wonder if it made Anne cry tears of fake joy.
Dear Hoda and Kathy Lee, First of all...what the hell kind of a name is Hoda? Second of all, what the HELL?!?!? Kathy Lee...in case you didn't notice, your career was over a decade ago, so stop. Just stop. I can't bear to look into your sliced, diced, and pulled face for another minute. I'm pretty sure your mind is gone too...perhaps the gray matter has been replaced by collagen. And Hoda...Hoda Kotb...how do you pronounce that? Anyway, I could say any number of antagonistic things about you, but I suppose your name isn't your fault AND you have to put up with Kathy Lee. All is forgiven. What the HELL were the producers of the Today Show thinking when they decided to take two of the most outrageously annoying women on the face of the planet and give them an entire hour of television to themselves? I still have yet to hear Kathy Lee form a cohesive sentence...at least one that doesn't contain one or more of her children's names. Somewhere, Regis is rolling his eyes. Along with the rest of fat America.
So it is with great regret and a dash a shame that I write this because I know, despite my numerous complaints, I shall continue to watch. In fact, the familiar sounds of pointless chatter hum in the background this moment as I type, continually reinforcing my theory that morning news programs are about as useful as a poopie flavored lollie pop.
But I better wrap this up because Rachel Ray is about to start. I love watching the act of pouring teriyaki sauce into a skillet being met with overly-exuberant applause. Now THERE is some high quality programming.